How to remotely patch an air-gapped network without USB drives

What people tried

Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.

1. 1
   Download patches on an internet-connected computer, copy the files over the local network to the server, and install them manually.
2. 2
   Use WSUS offline to preload patches on a build and copy the batch over to the host.
3. 3
   Using WSUS and Batchpatch along with manual DVD transfers for third-party patches
4. 4
   Setting up heartbeat schedules and inventory collections in push-based tools
5. 5
   Using agent-based solutions with download scripts on an internet-connected side

In their words

Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.