How to set boundaries with a work friend who is demanding HR info
When a coworker you have befriended demands confidential information she is not entitled to, it blurs the line of your HR role and leaves you wondering if it is your responsibility to fix. This tension stops you from maintaining professional distance and turns a supportive listening ear into an entitlement problem.
What the numbers show
Counted from the threads quoted below. How we count
- The most recent one is from October 2026.
- This comes up 88.9× more often in r/humanresources than across the site as a whole.
What people tried
Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.
Found another way around this?
Share your steps and trade-offs so fellow engineers don't have to reinvent the wheel. No account required.
- 1lying to diffuse an aggressive confrontationDid this help you?
- 2suggesting EAP repeatedlyDid this help you?
- 3ignoring the tension and waiting for the employee to cool downDid this help you?
- 4maintaining a Switzerland mentality where you are friendly with everyone but on no one's sideDid this help you?
- 5adopting a friendly-not-friends philosophy and avoiding hanging out outside of workDid this help you?
- 6treating coworkers like customers to maintain professional distance and objectivityDid this help you?
- 7Keeping everything strictly professionalDid this help you?
- 8Stopping sharing personal informationDid this help you?
- 9Being polite but distantDid this help you?
- 10Treating everyone like a potential enemyDid this help you?
- 11Checking security cameras remotely to monitor idle timeDid this help you?
- 12Asking online communities of managers for a consensus on normal behaviorDid this help you?
In their words
Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.
“Imagine my surprise when I found out this morning that I had been a part of a clique that was in opposition to leadership and had also been exiled from said clique for agreeing with leadership on something.”source ↗
“Would very much appreciate any wisdom on relating with coworkers, since I apparently did it wrong and didn't even know!”source ↗
“Shit I had trouble a while back because someone I work a lot with was accused of some stuff and I was accused of not handling it properly because “they are friends and he let them off easy””source ↗
“As far as I knew, the others were work friends and one had been a little unfriendly lately, but I thought she was stressed. The whole thing really took me by surprise.”source ↗
“A particular EE has become a type of work friend, and I have been there for her to listen, advise her on moving through the ranks, out of Reception and so forth.”source ↗
“My question is, is this for me, as HR, to fix?”source ↗
“Your post reads like you're bummed people you took as friends didn't see you as one; I think you ought to be more professionally on guard that people you took as friends are internal clients and you should not presume any privacy with them.”source ↗
“The line between friend and an ear to listen as HR is getting blurred here and now she is feeling entitled to information she is not, especially about herself.”source ↗
“I feel like every time I start trusting someone and being genuinely friendly with them, eventually they show a side of themselves that makes me regret it.”source ↗
“At the same time, I’m starting to wonder if I’m approaching this completely wrong. Maybe I should just keep everything strictly professional, stop sharing anything personal, stop trying to connect with people, be polite but distant, do my work, and go home.”source ↗
“I don't want to spend five days a week surrounded by people while treating everyone like a potential enemy, but I also don't want to keep being disappointed because I was too open or friendly.”source ↗
“I feel it’s excessive sometimes and I want to address it but I wanted to get a consensus on what’s considered normal and reasonable workplace chitchat and what’s not.”source ↗
“Sometimes I check the cameras when I’m not at the office and they’re just chatting for maybe 10-15 minutes at a time before they look like they’ve gotten back to their computers.”source ↗
Where this came up
People with this problem also raised
- 3Why is keeping a professional network CRM updated so tedious?
- 9Why do people think basic workplace kindness means romance?
- 5How to know if it's safe to date a coworker
- 4How to handle a new teacher who is trying to take over
- 2How to handle a friend who is pulling away and avoiding you
- 8How to address an inappropriate coworker without causing drama