How to cope with being one and done against your choice
Accepting a smaller family size than you planned while friends and siblings expand theirs creates a persistent sense of grief and isolation, even when you know the restriction is medically or practically necessary. This ongoing disconnect makes it difficult to process the emotional loss or find supportive spaces where you can talk about it openly without feeling alienated.
What people tried
Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.
Found another way around this?
Share your steps and trade-offs so fellow engineers don't have to reinvent the wheel. No account required.
- 1Trying to reframe the situation by focusing on the benefits and conveniences of having an only childDid this help you?
- 2Seeking community support in dedicated online forums for parents with one childDid this help you?
- 3Proposing a temporary pause on the decision to revisit the discussion of more children in the futureDid this help you?
- 4Attending therapy to process the grief of an unrealized family visionDid this help you?
- 5Hiring external help like a night nanny or postpartum doula to mitigate sleep deprivation and stressDid this help you?
- 6seeking reassurance and positive experiences about larger sibling age gaps from other parentsDid this help you?
- 7trying to relax and let the body take its timeDid this help you?
- 8taking a break from trying to gather oneself after losses or strugglesDid this help you?
- 9Accepting that the family is complete and trying to enjoy the current children as they grow more independentDid this help you?
- 10Talking to the partner about the change of heart to see if they might be open to a reversal or further discussionDid this help you?
- 11Waiting at least another year to tryDid this help you?
- 12Seeking advice and experiences from parents who have multiple children with various age gapsDid this help you?
In their words
Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.
“I just can’t let go of this empty feeling. My sister and best friend are both pregnant with their second kids, leaving me now as the only person in my friend group without 2 kids.”source ↗
“It’s weird to be happy and also feel like you’re missing something.”source ↗
“Can I be honest I’ve reached out for support on that Reddit for being one and done against choice and I’m fairly sure my out was deleted lol”source ↗
“I'm in this situation - my kid is nine, and I'm still hoping we can set things up so that we can have another, but it's hard emotionally that we're not there yet.”source ↗
“I’m so sad my new health issues mean I’m one and done, I am not doing well despite knowing it’s the right choice.”source ↗
“I'm right there with you. I try not to compare and be grateful but it's hard with everyone pregnant.”source ↗
“It truly is a nightmare and consumes your whole being emotionally.”source ↗
“I’m also 36, which I know is a very normal age for women to have children but it’s hard not to feel that clock ticking away, feeling so much pressure, or even fear that my eggs are aging.”source ↗
“i am so worried that the age gap between the next baby & our little girl. i think what’s making this harder for me is that almost of my friends or moms i know have 2 under 2 or no larger than a 2.5 year age gap.”source ↗
“since we’ve started trying i’ve also had at least 7 friends announce their pregnancy. i am truly so happy for them but also dealing with the sadness that comes with negative pregnancy tests.”source ↗
“waiting to get pregnant again has been very hard :(”source ↗
“Am I crazy? While in the middle of the chaos of having 2 under 2, we decided we didn't want to have any more kids.”source ↗
“But now that my baby just turned 2 and is finally sleeping thru the night, I feel like having a third baby. I've been mourning our decision and get myself super sad.”source ↗
“Or should I move towards the possibility of getting my husband to reverse his vasectomy and start TTC again?”source ↗
Where this came up
People with this problem also raised
- 8How do you know when you're done having kids?
- 3Why do I feel so overwhelmed with another pregnancy?
- 4Why is wedding planning with unhelpful family so stressful?
- 3How to handle family schedules when siblings refuse to attend practices
- 13Why do I change my mind every day about having kids?
- 4How to avoid parentifying an older sibling