Why does everything I learned with my first baby fail on the second?
Every technique that worked on an easy firstborn often completely fails with a more challenging second child, leading parents to feel humbled, unprepared, and falsely responsible for normal developmental differences. This abrupt shift shatters the illusion of parental control over sleeping and eating habits, making parents feel like failures until they realize the difficulty stems entirely from the child's temperament.
What people tried
Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.
Found another way around this?
Share your steps and trade-offs so fellow engineers don't have to reinvent the wheel. No account required.
- 1ignoring advice that does not fit the specific babyDid this help you?
- 2doing whatever is necessary to survive, such as cosleeping or nursing to sleepDid this help you?
- 3parenting the individual child you actually have rather than relying on previous methodsDid this help you?
- 4Contact napping during the dayDid this help you?
- 5Waiting for the baby to get older and settle into a routineDid this help you?
- 6Waiting for a larger age gap so the older child can helpDid this help you?
- 7Opting to be one-and-done and focusing entirely on the first childDid this help you?
In their words
Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.
“Turns out: YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE - LIKE, ACTUALLY FCK-ALL - CONTROL OVER YOUR BABY’S SLEEPING AND EATING HABITS.”source ↗
“Every single technique I used on my firstborn failed on my secondborn. Every single one.”source ↗
“It wasn't until I had my second that I realized I wasn't a complete and total failure as a parent - it's just that my first was (and is) vastly more challenging.”source ↗
“I dont know what came over me to think that I could possibly do this again, but here we are.”source ↗
“I feel so tired and sad. I can't believe I did this again. I also feel so sad for my 9 year old too.”source ↗
“I feel the same way. I had so much more time and patience for my first and he was sooo easy. My second (2y) is a goblin.”source ↗
“Another reason I’m unsure is because I’m terrified baby #2 will be the complete opposite of baby #1 and I just don’t know how I’d handle it.”source ↗
“The first few weeks were INSANE! I cried so much feeling like I was neglecting my oldest. I felt like an idiot doing this all over again.”source ↗
“I just have am impending doom feeling of "what have I done?" 🫠. Life was so much easier, and I feel so dumb thinking this was a good idea.”source ↗
“It’s causing me so much stress, and I know it shouldn’t. This season of life should be filled with so much happiness. I feel so silly saying I’m stressed about whether or not I want more kids.”source ↗
Where this came up
People with this problem also raised
- 6How to help a young child who gets easily embarrassed
- 4How to avoid parentifying an older sibling
- 10How to handle toddler grief and behavioral outbursts after a loss
- 4Why is my sibling always jealous of me?
- 7Older child acting out and getting jealous after new baby
- 3How to handle family schedules when siblings refuse to attend practices