Taking childcare shifts vs doing things together
Splitting childcare into shifts provides one partner with necessary time to recharge, but it leaves the other feeling emotionally distant and like a single parent. While a 'divide and conquer' approach saves time, it forces couples to operate in silos rather than connecting. Furthermore, tackling tasks independently without communicating can make the other partner feel like they are doing a bad job around the house.
What people tried
Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.
Found another way around this?
Share your steps and trade-offs so fellow engineers don't have to reinvent the wheel. No account required.
- 1Switching it up based on energy levels: sharing tasks on high-energy days and clocking out on low-energy days.Did this help you?
- 2Doing things together on weekends but keeping the divide-and-conquer shifts during the weekdays.Did this help you?
- 3Finding specific tasks to do together, like cooking or eating dinner, while keeping other routines separated.Did this help you?
- 4Making a list of tasks and explicitly assigning them to each partner.Did this help you?
- 5Stopping to communicate and ask for input before completing a chore.Did this help you?
- 6Seeing a couples counselor to address underlying insecurities and role expectations.Did this help you?
In their words
Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.
“Physically, I just need more alone time than he does. I need time to recharge and be on my own.”source ↗
“He just says he feels like a single dad during his shift and he wants to do things together, and he says that doing things separately is making him feel emotionally distant from me. Meanwhile I just want some time alone.”source ↗
“Sometimes she complains and says I make her look bad and make her feel like she doesn't do a good job around the house.”source ↗
“She insists that I should tell her before I do stuff, but that doesn't sound practical. It feels like I'll be asking for permission to help out”source ↗
“if I see anything that needs doingb I get up and do it, no questions asked and no delegation... Her reaction can be angrily racing to this effort and mentioning that I am unfair for doing everything”source ↗
“Divide and conquer saves time and makes it faster but it also let's you operate in silos. We have the same problem but the roles are reversed.”source ↗
Where this came up
People with this problem also raised
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- 3How to stop co-sleeping when your partner disagrees