How to help a shy child make friends
Shy children often take a long time to come out of their shells and can easily retreat further when peer interactions go poorly. This leaves parents feeling at a loss for how to intervene without overstepping while watching their children struggle socially.
What people tried
Every workaround mentioned in the threads below. We haven’t tested any of them — and nobody here is claiming they worked.
Found another way around this?
Share your steps and trade-offs so fellow engineers don't have to reinvent the wheel. No account required.
- 1Encouraging participation in school clubs or extracurricular activitiesDid this help you?
- 2Buying interest-based graphic tees to spark conversationsDid this help you?
- 3Reaching out to school counselors or psychologists for social programsDid this help you?
- 4Setting up playdates outside of schoolDid this help you?
- 5Looking for low-cost or scholarship-supported community programsDid this help you?
- 6Walking next to the child during practiceDid this help you?
- 7Trying again next yearDid this help you?
- 8Playing soccer at homeDid this help you?
- 9Giving it time and space for children to adjust naturallyDid this help you?
- 10Connecting with other parents through PTA meetings or starting a class Facebook pageDid this help you?
- 11Enrolling children in after-school clubs, sports, or local activitiesDid this help you?
- 12Attending birthday parties and organizing group events like Halloween trick-or-treatingDid this help you?
- 13Always initiating the plans and inviting other children overDid this help you?
- 14Focusing on after-school hangouts instead of weekendsDid this help you?
- 15Relying on texting and group chats for communicationDid this help you?
- 16involving the child in club sports, camps, and extracurricular activitiesDid this help you?
- 17attending therapyDid this help you?
- 18suggesting a change of schools for a fresh startDid this help you?
- 19looking into parenting resources and authors specializing in middle school dynamicsDid this help you?
- 20Asking the teacher about moving the child up a gradeDid this help you?
- 21Setting up play dates and coaching the child on social skillsDid this help you?
- 22Focusing on academic challenge rather than peer socializationDid this help you?
- 23Enrolling children in organized activities like art classes, martial arts, and soccerDid this help you?
- 24going to a lot of playdates to accustom her to be around other kidsDid this help you?
- 25trying to encourage her to talk before going out and meeting peopleDid this help you?
- 26leaving them alone if they do not seem botheredDid this help you?
- 27enrolling them in organized sports or activities for social interactionDid this help you?
- 28Speaking to the teacher or school staff to help integrate the childDid this help you?
- 29Connecting with other parents in the class to arrange one-on-one playdatesDid this help you?
- 30Enrolling the child in clubs or sports activities outside of schoolDid this help you?
- 31Reading older posts and comments on parenting forumsDid this help you?
- 32Trying things that other parents have suggestedDid this help you?
- 33Talking about school enthusiastically at home and asking about positive aspects like friends or projects.Did this help you?
- 34Asking the teacher for context or intervention when noticing the child playing alone.Did this help you?
- 35Practicing open-ended "yes and..." imaginative play at home using the same games classmates play.Did this help you?
- 36Arranging 1:1 playdates outside the classroom to build friendships in smaller, less overwhelming settings.Did this help you?
In their words
Unedited, grouped by where they were said, most upvoted first within each place, each linked to the thread it came from.
“the problem is he never gets invited anywhere on the weekends.”source ↗
“I have an 11yo daughter who just started 6th grade(late birthday) and it’s breaking my heart that she’s struggling socially.”source ↗
“it takes her time to come out of her shell and the past few times she’s come out she went right back in because of the way kids were treating her.”source ↗
“I’m at my wits end and dont know how to help her.”source ↗
“I’m just genuinely at a loss and don’t know what to do or if I should do anything at all since she’ll need to learn to navigate on her own.”source ↗
“My 12 yr old has been having a lot of issues with friendship since the end of last school year.”source ↗
“She has two “friends” who are pretty toxic. They exclude her but she can’t seem to fully cut them off.”source ↗
“Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone ever found out some unknown reason why their kid is a total outsider?”source ↗
“I’ve been going back and reading older posts and comments because I’m trying to better understand and help my daughter with some of the difficulties she’s having socially.”source ↗
“When you take your child somewhere to play, and you notice another child who is playing alone, even though that child seems to be making an effort to approach the other kids and join them ,,,but the other children seem to ignore them or act like they don’t notice them ,,,what do you think is usually the reason?”source ↗
“I’m trying to understand what I might be missing so I can help my daughter in the right way.”source ↗
“My kid is 5 and she has been shy ever since. It takes her an extremely long time to warm up to people and when she finally does, it resets by the next time.”source ↗
“I know this can be normal at a certain age but I am wondering if this is still considered normal at 5-6 yrs old?”source ↗
“Any advice to further encourage her would be really appreciated!!”source ↗
“She is a really lovely kid, but it seems like she has trouble connecting with the other kids in her class.”source ↗
“Yesterday and today she asked a group of kids if she could play with them and they said no. Today one of them also called her fat”source ↗
“Last week another kid told her she hated her.”source ↗
“We can see that this is hurting her, but we don't really know how to help her or what the best thing to do is.”source ↗
“My son (6) switched schools this year and is having a really hard time making friends. We are about a month in and he hasn’t made a single friend.”source ↗
“I want to help him but I truly have no idea what to do. I feel so so sad for him and the thought of him playing alone every recess breaks my heart.”source ↗
“She's been in school for a little over a year now. I would say 80% of the time she cries at drop off.”source ↗
“The school sent a picture today of her classmates spreading some Play-Doh on a table as some activity. I zoomed in and saw my daughter in the background on the ground playing with a toy by herself.”source ↗
“When I look at all of this, I find it hard not to think "shit, she's just like me. I would've sat away from the crowded table too".”source ↗
“...I guess I just want to know if this resonates with anyone and if there's anything I can do to not feel like my daughter is lonely and sad at school every day.”source ↗
“I have friends with kids his age who seem to constantly have friends over, get invited to birthday parties, make plans on weekends, etc., and that just isn’t really happening for my son.”source ↗
“He’s an only child, so I think that adds to my worry.”source ↗
“Since starting middle school this year, he doesn’t really get calls or texts from friends anymore, and I guess that’s the part that has been weighing on me.”source ↗
“At games we can’t go on the field with him. He starts pouting and refuses to even walk out there onto the field.”source ↗
“I definitely need to give it time it’s just so sad to see him crying about it ☹️ We have PTA meetings starting soon so I’m hoping I can connect with more parents there”source ↗
“I am so happy you posted this, because I have a 5th grade only child and I was in actual tears last night about this same thing.”source ↗
“No one really invites me anywhere, but my friends seem happy to hang out when I initiate, so I just keep doing it.”source ↗
Where this came up
People with this problem also raised
- 2How to set up a daycare playdate when you never see the parents
- 6How to help a young child who gets easily embarrassed
- 14What to do when your child is excluded by a friend
- 9How to help a kid who hates middle school
- 2Is my child just shy or actually anxious?
- 2How to do birthday party invites and RSVPs for middle schoolers